Welcome, Brethren, to the First Church of Zoophilia

The only benefits which we can offer at this time are as follows: – Official membership certificates, which can be emailed or snailmailed to you (if you prefer the latter, however, you’ll have to send a self-addressed-stamped-envelope to our physical address (14625 Baltimore Avenue, Suite 152, Laurel, MD 20707), and the turn-around time on that will naturally be a little longer than via email); – Security in the knowledge that, provided you Truly Believe and Have the Utmost Faith, and follow our tenets, you shall be doing a great service to your Sacred Animal, for which I am certain they shall most definitely be eternally grateful, and happier and healthier to boot; – An assurance that you shall acheive eternal salvation upon your death: anyone who does NOT receive eternal salvation upon their death, please email us immediately at the address listed above: it’s a bit of a bureaucracy up there, and things do sometimes get a little mixed up: I’m sure you understand. Either way, simply email us after your fleshly demise, and We promise to set things aright for you in the Eternal Hereafter.